Horse tails
by cein
Summary: The team head to the country to investigate a strange occurrence. Naturally things go about as well as could be expected.warning for lots of swearing


Title: Horse tails

Author: Ceindreadh

Characters/Pairing: Team, Jack/Ianto

Rating: M/NC-17 but only for language

Genre: Humour. Complete and utter crack fic!

Summary: The team head to the country to investigate a strange occurrence. Naturally things go about as well as could be expected.

Written when I was trying to distract myself from impending exam results (I passed BTW!)

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Torchwood characters, I'm only borrowing them, and I promise to return them in minty fresh condition when I'm finished.

Notes/Warnings: Set after S1, but no spoilers.

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It all started with a call about an invisible horse in the woods on the outskirts of Cardiff. Owen correctly queried as to how anybody could know if there was an invisible horse there if they couldn't see it. To be more accurate, he said, "A fucking invisible horse? You have got to be fucking kidding me. Tell them to call the fucking RSPCA or something."

But Jack insisted that they investigate. He also insisted that since the Rift had been spectacularly inactive over the previous few days, that they might as well all go and investigate. Tosh's theory that the Rift was building up to something was summarily dismissed. Owen's theory that leaving the city was a seriously fucked up idea, bearing in mind what had happened the previous time, was also dismissed.

So Jack led his grumbling team on a wild horse chase.

"Bloody ridiculous," Owen said for what seemed like the hundredth time. "If it is a fucking invisible horse, then why can't they just leave it alone? Not like it's gonna spoil the view or anything."

"They said it was appearing and disappearing," said Gwen, reading from a report.

Owen snorted in disgust, "Too many pints disappearing, that's the answer right there."

"Guys guys," interrupted Jack. "Come on, where's your sense of adventure. It's a lovely night, the stars are out. Just think what you'd have been missing if you'd stayed in the city."

"The new barmaid at the 'Thistle and Leek'," Owen muttered under his breath.

"Look, it's a horse," said Jack. "Probably just a horse. But maybe it's not. We're Torchwood, we investigate the strange, the bizarre, the unexpected. Think of the possibilities!" He started whistling 'my lovely horse' and his team knew it was going to be a long journey.

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Several renditions of 'my lovely horse' (sung in a variety of keys and accents) later, the team arrived at a small field, reportedly the last known location of the invisible horse.

Tempers were a little bit frayed, even more so when Owen stepped out of the SUV, straight into a pile of manure. He declined examining it to see whether it was bovine or equine in nature. And Gwen's comment about how if he could see it then it probably wasn't from their quarry did little to dispel his temper, although it did put a smile on Tosh and Ianto's faces.

Ianto was the first one of them to notice the strange glowing coming from a corner of the field. Jack led the way, bragging about how many horses he'd ridden in his past. Owen muttered under his breath something about hoping he meant it in the traditional sense. The rest of the team had ignored him, fanning out behind Jack, keeping their distance as per his instructions.

As they approached the horse, it seemed to fade in and out of their field of vision, glowing slightly. When they could see it, it had its head down, apparently cropping at the grass.

"Hey there, fella," Jack said as he approached the horse. He appeared supremely confident in his ability to charm practically anything with a pulse. The confidence lasted right up to the moment that the horse reared up on its hind legs and charged straight at him.

"That's not a horse," was Jack's first thought as he got a better look at the creature now running towards him. His last thought was that he could now cross 'gored to death by a unicorn' off his list of ways he hadn't yet died.

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The team reacted the way any team would react when they saw their leader being gored to death by a unicorn.

"Run for your lives!" Owen screamed, leading the race back to the SUV. Later he would deny screaming, insisting that he had just been yelling…loudly…and in a slightly higher pitch than normal.

Gwen spared a brief glance at Jack as he lay bleeding on the ground, but after the unicorn had seemed to focus on her for a second, she too joined in the mad dash back to the relative safety of the SUV, scrambling in and locking the door behind her.

"A unicorn, a fucking unicorn," Owen repeated over and over. "What the fuck is a fucking unicorn doing out here?"

"Never mind that," Ianto snapped, "What about Jack? We can't just leave him there."

Owen shrugged as he put the SUV in gear, "He'll wake up soon enough, and the walk back to the city will do him good!"

The rest of the team added their protests to Ianto, and Owen reluctantly agreed to circle around and pick up Jack. "Only he can fucking get in under his own steam, I'm not dragging his body back here while that fucking creature is still wandering around."

By the time they reached the point where Jack had fallen, he'd recovered sufficiently to stagger over to the SUV and collapse into the passenger seat.

"Sir," Ianto said with a little indignation, "You could at least have let me put some newspapers down. I hate having to Retcon the car valets after they clean blood off the seat covers."

"I'll try to remember that next time, Ianto," Jack groaned as he pulled the door shut behind him. "Okay people, who knows anything about dealing with unicorns?"

"Well all the stories I've read say that they can be tamed by a virgin," said Gwen.

Owen snorted in disbelief, "Good luck finding one around here. Ianto's about the closest thing we've got!"

Jack smirked, "Actually, taking last night into account, I wouldn't quite bank on that!"

"Sir!" said Ianto, "What did I tell you about discussing our sex life in public?"

"Not to do it unless we were trying to gross out Owen?"

"Precisely, and this is neither the time nor the place."

Tosh had meanwhile been frantically tapping away at her keyboard, "I think I know what it is," she said.

"Try and keep up Tosh," said Owen, "We already figured out, it's a fucking Unicorn."

"Actually, that's where you're wrong, Owen." Tosh tapped a few keys and the screens in front of the others flared to life. "I hacked into…er, checked within the UNIT database. They dealt with one of these creatures before several years ago. Apparently it's some sort of trans dimensional alien species, comes from a parallel…"

"Never mind it's fucking life history, Tosh," said Owen, "Just tell us how we can kill the bugger and go home!"

"But we can't kill it," said Gwen, "Look at it, it's so beautiful!" And in truth, standing there, glowing in the moonlight, the unicorn did indeed look quite fetching.

"It'd look a lot more beautiful if it didn't have Jack's blood dripping all down its horn," commented Ianto.

"Well it may not have meant to hurt him," said Gwen. "I mean, he could have scared the poor thing."

There was a snort of disbelief from Owen, "Anything with a dirty great horn like that is not exactly a 'poor thing' in my opinion!"

"Jealous, Owen?" smirked Gwen. "Feeling a little…inadequate?"

"Hey, I certainly don't remember you ever complaining. Course with the size of your mouth…" Owen was interrupted by a loud thump coming from the front of the SUV, and his eyes widened in horror as he saw the unicorn planting its front hooves squarely on the bonnet. "Fuck!" he said as the supposedly impenetrable metal bent under the beast's weight.

The unicorn threw back its head and let out an unearthly sound before returning to all fours and pawing the ground aggressively.

"Jack," said Gwen, a note of panic in her voice, "Do something!"

"Like what? I don't think it's exactly my type!" said Jack.

"I suppose there has to be a first time for everything," muttered Ianto.

"Tosh," said Jack, "Does UNIT have any information on how to calm it down?"

"According to their records, the alien has low level telepathic ability. It reacted badly to strong emotions…" She looked up, "More specifically, to strong sexual emotions."

"Well that explains why Harkness pissed it off so much," said Owen. "Get to the point Tosh, how do we kill…" He caught Gwen's glare and rolled his eyes. "Okay, how do we tell it to piss off home."

"Well UNIT believed that it arrived here intending to refuel. It appeared to need to feed off the emotions and feelings it picked up from the people it encountered. Once it had absorbed enough of the right type, it disappeared for good."

"That's it? So all we have to do is go and think fuelly thoughts at it and it'll bugger off?" Owen looked and sounded sceptical.

"Not exactly," said Tosh, trying to avoid looking anybody in the eye. "You see, it needed to feed off pure thoughts…as in, non-sexual thoughts…"

"So we have to sit here," said Jack.

"Thinking non-sexual thoughts until that critter gets full?" said Owen.

"It looks like it," said Tosh.

"It's going to be a long night," said Ianto. "Just as well I brought plenty of coffee."

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The End


End file.
